Blog post

Counting Down to Graduation: My Thoughts and Feelings

May 11, 2019

The last time I wrote was January 2019, but it’s now May. May. My graduation month. In fact, graduation is in 12 days as I write this. High school is really ending.

It’s been a tough for me, but also a different and maybe I could say I was happier in this school year than I was in any other school year before. I made new friends, strengthened friendships, came out of my comfort zone many times, built confidence, and more.

This blogpost? It’s to write down how I feel and what I’ve been up to recently. So, I hope you enjoy reading what I have to say about my high school career ending.

On My Social Media

Throughout the year, I have been posting a lot more on my Instagram and Youtube channel. This is all thanks to my wonderful friend, Hyein who became my long-awaited dance partner. We posted quite a few collab dance covers of K-pop songs on Instagram!

Below is my favorite collab we did!

Not only that, but just recently, I have been constantly uploading new school vlogs on my Youtube channel. It was unplanned, but now it is officially a thing. I’m glad I kept it up since it would be so meaningful when I look back on it one day in the future.

Here is one of the vlogs out the “A Day In High School” series!

Dancing

This year, I really was able to hone my dancing skill in K-pop! It’s not perfect, but I practiced more and learned more than I have ever done. I learned how to dance with someone else and how to synchronize. It has always been a dream for me to find a group of people to dance with or even just a person and finally, this year I was able to find that dream.

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This year, I performed 4 songs in front of an audience with Hyein. One was for International Day (a HUGE event) and Open Mic (a small event). It was such a great experience to learn from. During my performances, I realized how much I loved dancing and performing as a hobby. I hope I can keep doing it during my years in university? Maybe?

Something I’m proud of is that I have started to challenge myself to learn and take pride in doing boy group dance covers. I would always avoid boy group dance because I was afraid of looking “weird” or “not fitting it”. I have been trying to expand my abilities by trying out different dance styles.

Check out our performance during International Day of BLACKPINK’s “As If It’s Your Last” and IZ*ONE’s “La Vie en Rose”!

Things I Notice That Puts A Smile On My Face

Throughout the year, I have noticed a great increase in the amount of children (middle school and elementary school) who express themselves in what they choose to wear. This is in the form of…drum roll please…cat ears!

Until this semester, I have been sporting cat ears on the daily since 7th Grade. The first day I ever wore them, people would say, “It’s not halloween, Conchita! Do you want to be a cat? Why do you use that?” But now, it’s just a normal thing.

I have been putting my ears aside now to show a more mature side of Conchita, but I am happy that girls around the school can keep that legacy around. Hahah.

Not saying that I made cat ears a trend in the school, but I made cat ears a trend in the school.

I don’t know why but it really does make me emotional even writing about this? The norm of school outfits is to just dress simply, but I hope children learn that if they do have a certain style, they should express it without ever feeling embarrassed.

All as long as it sticks to dress code rules, of course.

I smile all the time seeing the different shapes, sizes, and styles of the cat ears that the children wear. “They definitely have more confidence than I do“, I always think to myself.

See, this might seem something so trivial to others, but to me it really is everything.

Breakdowns & Sadness

Putting all that happy content aside, let’s get to the not-so-happy side of the year, shall we? Yes, the last year of high school can be exciting and fun just like how I made it up to be above, but there were parts to this last year when everything just seemed dark.

My friends can attest to this, but there was a time when I went through such a big mental breakdown that it lasted up to three months of the second semester. I was unhappy and sad because I was scared and worried, but I still kept a smile on my face.

There is this uncertainty when you feel like you’re behind and you’re not enough. As the oldest of three children, I felt incompetent as the big sister of two little brothers. I have always done well in studies except for here we go again…physics. Just because of that one class, I was dragging myself down.

Talking to a friend, we agree that there wasn’t one day we go by without wanting to cry. However, so many tears have already been shed that we don’t know how to cry anymore.

I was also drowning in AP Seminar since there was a due date to our assignments. At that point, I already cried so much during the year that I couldn’t cry after finishing my presentation that I felt I could have done better on.

12 days to graduation and I’m still uncertain, still worried, but I think I will be fine. I want to believe in myself more and to face all my responsibilities and consequences.

University Options

I have not talked about this topic enough to people around me, just family and close friends. I think I’ll keep it that way until final decisions have been made. Right now, I’m still waiting for admission decisions to be sent.

Hint. Yes, I have been accepted at a few, but almost half haven’t responded.

Thanks To…

Now, a “Thanks To” section for my friends at school. First of all, I think that this year, I was able to understand the importance of having friendship once again. Throughout 9th through 11th grade, friendship for me was solely based on school work. Other than that, I would stay in the library every break and lunch time.

This year, I took friendship for more than just school. Not only did I strengthen friendships this year, but I made new friendships as well from across the different grades. As one of the oldest students in the school, I wanted to seem like a big sister and not just some scary (but fashionable) senior.

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First, I want to say thank you to the friends who ride the same bus as me. Thank you for inviting me to sit with you at the back of the bus after school. Thank you for the conversations that we have even if they’re sometimes stupid. We can talk about the most dumb things and even to the most deepest.

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To all my friends, we cried together sometimes. And then laughed the next second and then…cried again. I just want to say that you guys have been such a big part of my year and source of energy and happiness.

Even those who think they’re not included, if you have ever talked to me, smiled, laughed with me, you’re someone I’m saying thanks to, as well.

Learning…

Not everyone realizes this but throughout most of the first semester, I was still getting used to people calling my name during school if it’s not in class or for class. I would always second guess if “Conchita” was MY name coming out from someone’s mouth.

That’s how much I was not used to people.

Thank you for staying with me this whole year and showing me that friendship is important. I have grown so much as a person after being involved in more social part of life.

What I Want to Leave Behind

The seniors were asked about what we want our legacy to be as we leave high school and I never actually thought about that…until now as I was writing this blogpost.

I want to leave behind confidence and happiness.

I was always known as someone with so much happiness, sometimes even too much happiness. Since the moment I started opening up in 4th Grade and all even until now.

“Conchita is always so happy, how does she do that?”

“How are you so energetic?”

Everyone at school:

Conchita: *wears a beret, “earrings”, or crown or a combination of two of them and an outfit that was pieced together carefully*

Also Conchita: *starts dancing out of nowhere*

If you haven’t already noticed, I talk about confidence and happiness a lot. It has become my brand. When I say that I want to leave behind those two things, I mean in any way.

Confidence

Confidence in what one wears, in what they love to do, in what they have to do, and in themselves. I don’t think there’s anything more important than confidence when in comes to something I have learned throughout my years in school.

Just like those girls in elementary and middle school, who have found the confidence in wearing cat ears on a normal school day, I want them to keep that confidence until they grow up. Not just to keep it, but to develop it as I did.

We learn new things everyday as we grow our confidence. For example, I gained the confidence to post my dance covers and that has helped me a lot in finding both my strengths and weaknesses in dancing so that I can build up abilities even more and get feedback.

Happiness

My senior quote is, “Let’s be happy.” It’s so simple, yet to me, it is everything. I think that happiness is so important to me that that three word word is my life motto.

For those still in high school, middle school, and elementary after I graduate, I want them to know the simplest thing; that their happiness is one of the most important things in the world.

School can be tough and sometimes, everything may seem hopeless and sad but I want you to be able to pick yourself up. Smile and believe in yourself.

This is a lot coming of happiness talk coming from someone like me, but I can assure you that when I am happy, I really am the happiest that I ever can be.

What I Have Left To Do

12 days to May 23rd, 2019. Conchita Flavia Isdiawan’s Graduation. Countdown.

Right now, I still have quite a few things to do before I can say that I am officially done with school work. To list them out they are the AP Calculus AB and English Exams AND my Modern Middle Eastern History and Scientific Issues presentations.

And I think that’s about it. Maybe I’ll have additional work here and there, but those are my priorities right now.

The seniors also have lots of special events coming up starting from next week! The first one being an elementary school assembly for the seniors on the 12th.

The End…for today

I can’t believe I made it this far. It’s still unbelievable for myself to this day. I’m a senior in high school and I’m graduating in 12 days.

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